Well one of my new year’s resolutions came to past, I found my copy of The Artist’s Way. (It was hiding in a enclosed compartment on my bookshelf.) I know I talk about this book a lot but it is like a personal oracle to me. I can open to any page at random and find something that seems to help. Yesterday I came to a section on fear.
Julia Cameron writes:
Fear is the true name for what ails the blocked artist. It may be fear of failure or fear of success. Most frequently, it is fear of abandonment. This fear has roots in childhood reality. Most blocked artists tried to become artists against either their parents’ good wishes or their parents’ good judgment. For a youngster this is quite a conflict. To go squarely against your parents’ values means you’d better know what you’re doing. You’d better not just be an artist. You better be a great artist if you’re going to hurt your parents so much….
I want to hesitate for a moment to say that (as far as I am aware) my parents are mostly supportive of my various endeavours. But I have always had this sense that I am going against the grain. And that sense has often made me really driven, hopeful that if I’m brilliant in one area of life perhaps it will make up for my limitations in other parts.
But… it means I need a lot of support and feedback and encouragement. I tend to assume if I don’t get positive feedback that the work is terrible. [And there’s clearly a difference between getting negative feedback and getting no feedback.] I constantly feel like the only way I can justify doing anything is to do it perfectly – which is difficult enough for seasoned artists, let alone the humble beginner I am.