I feel like I’ve reverted as a human being. I thought I had accepted something about myself but in truth I just resigned myself to it. There seemed to be something fundamentally inescapable about it. Certainly I didn’t feel good about it.
I came to realise that I had a fear that I was actually quite invested in. As much as I hoped it wasn’t true I came to realise that a part of me wanted, perhaps needed, it to be true. Because so many of my life’s decisions had been informed by the expectation that it was true. If this fear wasn’t real – and I had the increasing feeling that it probably wasn’t – I had wasted so much time and energy and emotion for nothing. It was a sobering awakening. And an awakening I made over coffee…
I was sitting in a local cafe, reading Julia Cameron’s The Right To Write. She was writing about honesty and vulnerability, and talking about a book by Kenny Loggins and his wife Julia about their relationship. I couldn’t tell you what it was about that chapter that triggered me but the next thing I knew I was scribbling down a poem and there on the page was the answer to that baffling dilemma that had been bothering me for months.
I won’t share the poem at this point in time. I’ve been invited to submit some material for possible inclusion in a future compilation and I think I will include it in that submission. (In any event I will share it with you at some point in the future.) I guess I am just impressed by the clarity of it all, and how literally months and months of wrestling with things I didn’t quite understand somehow resolved themselves in a short poem.