I considered titling this entry, “New Year, Same Old Crap.” I know some people are filled with a sense of new beginnings and possibility at this time. I can’t say this is something I’ve experienced. For me there has been an acute feeling that all the new challenges will be the same as the old ones, that there are some things that may always seem daunting – such as starting, such as trying new things, such as the voice of the inner critic. I suppose the answer is to ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’ but mostly I would just like to not feel the fear.
I am always reluctant to entertain ideas of new years resolutions since they always feel like setting one’s self up to fail. But I thought I would muse over things in a general way – hopes, fears and the like.
In 2011 I would like to be less fearful. I don’t know how plausible this is. Perhaps if I can be more busy doing things I will just automatically have less time to be neurotic. I want to be less fearful of starting, or at least less tempted to use that fear as an excuse not to start. I want to focus less on how other people might look at me or think about me. I want to explore the things that are close to my heart. I want to replace old beliefs about not being able to be happy with a sense of possibility. I want to try new things and speak my mind. I want to use the art supplies I have and not use art supply shopping as an excuse to stall on actually producing artwork.
I want to find my copy of The Artist’s Way (I can’t for the life of me find it!) and I want to refill my artist’s well. I’ve been feeling like a blank page lately, nothing of interest to express.
But mostly in 2011 I want to be more myself. I don’t want to ‘change’. I don’t want to lose weight. I don’t want to be more virtuous. I just want to be less inhibited. I want to be unapologetic about who I am, and do the things I want to do. That sounds like such a laughable paragraph but I want to dispense with all the shame that informs so much of my life.