I could tell you about the poem I wrote over the weekend. I could tell you about the coloured charcoal pencils I bought. I could even mention the erm ‘unique’ performance I gave for the benefit of YouTube. [Actually I probably wouldn’t have posted it without the musings on voice and the comment Cindy left about Tom Waites.] But, actually, right now my mind is elsewhere…
Right now I’m just feeling frustrated and incompetent. I found myself referring to myself as an ‘amateur visual artist’ and then realised I was an amateur at pretty much everything I do. I’m not sure my skills have value. I’m not sure how much I can really develop them. I suspect the desire to express myself creatively might be another in a long series of pipedreams. [As an aside I can’t hear the word ‘pipedream’ without imaging Super Mario Brothers.]
Life is hard at the moment, hard and confusing. While I am making an effort to paint and draw, I’m being constantly reminded by real world forces that it isn’t a priority. Infact I’m sure many see it as a pointless frivolity. It is hard to make the case for it, actually. Not even making a case for art so much as justifying the time, energy and other resources I devote to doing it. I think sometimes it would be easier to justify if I had some natural ability for it, that the merits of doing it would somehow be more obvious if I was a prodigy of some kind. But I’m not. I’m a beginning artist, a clumsy, hopeless, floundering wannabe.
Anyway it’s late and I’m tired and emotional. I’m hoping I can find a way to make things work and in the meanwhile I guess I just have to accept frustration as a part of life and as fodder for the creation of art. I feel like I haven’t been blogging enough lately and while I’d like to make assurances that this will change the truth is everything is so up in the air that it would be foolish to do so. (The wheels kind of fell off the ‘vlog everyday in July’ bandwagon too.)