Existential Crisis

I forget sometimes all the lives I have lived. All the things I have dabbled in. All the times I thought I was one thing or another, all the times I tried — and all the times, quite honestly, I’ve crumbled and gave up.

There’s a graduation ceremony happening in a few days time for two of the courses I did last year at TAFE (Certificate II in Visual Arts and Certificate IV in Digital Media Technologies, specifically). I rather hastily agreed to give a speech. The speech is to be about my TAFE experience and what I hope to do in the future. Which leaves me with but one dilemma… what do I hope to do in the future?!

I try not to be too attached to outcomes because back when I was they often wouldn’t work out and I would be devastated. But it sort of leaves me seemingly without direction and without goals. I realise sometimes my reluctance to explain what I’m interested in and what I’m doing leaves people with next to no sense of who I am. Even restructuring this website is a bit of a headache. I have this vision of three main categories: Creativity, Technology, Education. I imagine them as catch alls for most things I dabble in. But have I just not found my calling? Am I spreading myself too thin? I took up visual arts as a response to being an insanely blocked writer. I wonder from time to time what blockage turned me into a writer in the first place.

Perhaps this is just a silly bit of angst. Does it really matter in this moment who I am? It has been a long week, I have felt more disillusioned this week than I have in a very long time. But I need to brush it off and get back to work.

2 comments… add one
  • Congratulations on the completion of the course for a start, but more so I have to say I enjoyed so much the way you have expressed yourself. I feel this often and reading your description was reassuring:)

  • There’s a philosopher from Shakespeare’s day — Montaigne — who believed there is no fixed self, that we constantly are becoming who we are in the moment. It’s not so much about growth as it is how we’re feeling. I like your idea for your blog, I understand that feeling of not wanting to work on ideas, going through same & feeling a little lost myself these days. But when we must we grab an identity (speechwriter!) and throw it on. Good luck!

Leave a Comment